In the blink of an eye, it's been four years since graduation and three years since I came to Beijing. My mindset has changed a lot; after repeatedly clashing with reality, I've had to rein in my idealism. I still have to admit that society has a set of operational rules, and whether they are right or wrong, many times I have to make some compromises.
I have also slowly realized how difficult it is to achieve so-called personal independence. Even figuring out what I truly like, dislike, and want is still a long journey: which desires are my own, which are others' expectations, and which are to cater to evaluation systems... I have found that many times I have overestimated my free will.
Much of last year was spent searching for answers to these questions: what do I really like to eat, what type of TV dramas do I enjoy, what kind of friends do I want to associate with, what genres of books do I prefer, what styles of clothing do I like, what activities truly relax me, what jobs suit me, what positions can I take, and what kind of life do I want... It felt like I was pushing down and tearing apart my former self, trying to grow wildly anew.
I have gradually let go of the vanity of constantly catering to external opinions and started to prioritize my own feelings. Only then did I realize that I had long been accustomed to suppressing my own emotions, consciously and unconsciously prioritizing the needs of others, while in reality, I hardly understood myself. My empathy is too strong, I can easily put myself in others' shoes, and I can adjust the atmosphere. Using this "gift," I have gained the affection of many people throughout my life, but do teachers, relatives, and friends truly like the real me? I am always considering others; who cares about whether I am comfortable or not? Am I truly obedient, gentle, understanding, and compliant?
Are the things I am tirelessly pursuing really worth it? Am I happy while constantly adapting myself? Are those what I truly want? And where does the so-called meaning lie within the evaluation standards? Is meritocracy really reasonable? If this continues, I can only be pushed by efficiency, constantly wearing down my individuality and standardizing myself. It would be better to cook a bowl of noodles I like for myself and take good care of myself; that is the most important thing.
So I began to say "no" more often. I am no longer passive, no longer governed by "shame," and no longer place myself in an objectified position. I want to arrange my life according to my own wishes. I am learning to bravely pursue what I truly want, rather than hiding my brilliance to gain some dignity or so-called affection. I would rather be an awkward and unlikable woman.
I don't need to deliberately seek anyone's favor; I should first respect my own feelings.
I no longer want to become anyone; I just want to understand what the real me is like. I want to be myself.
01 Reading and Writing#
1.1 Broadening My Reading#
For a long time, I was obsessed with reading books on business management and "success." Now I increasingly feel that only reading those kinds of books can make one more and more narrow-minded. Nowadays, I want to see the lives of ordinary people, explore various life experiences, and witness the diversity of the world. I can only live once, but I can live countless times through these works. As stated in "Tokyo Eight Square Meters": "Movies are a shortcut that enriches your worldview through the screen and allows you to understand what is happening and various people from different angles." This applies to movies as well as literary works.
Exploration of the physical world is constrained by time and space, which has significant limitations, while the exploration of the spiritual world is vast and boundless. For me, literary works allow me to place myself in a larger realm.
Last year, I was most impressed by these books: "I Am Fragrant," "Marriage in the May Fourth Era," "My Mom Works as a Cleaner," "Silent Workers," “The Solitary Traveler of the Long Night”, "Misogyny," and "The Era of Single Women." I really love these sincere works that show humanistic care. I have truly had enough of the tales of emperors, generals, and talented scholars throughout history; the voices of ordinary people should also be recorded and heard. These struggles, pains, helplessness, and strengths, these structural dilemmas, should not be intentionally or unintentionally ignored. The infinite distance and countless people are all related to me.
As Zhang Xiaoman said: I hope I can pay more attention to the "others" in this world, understanding how a person makes choices under limited conditions, and realizing that a person's fate is not solely determined by whether they "work hard enough."
In the new year, I hope to have more autonomy in reading. I cannot just read whatever is fed to me by various lists without thinking. I need to actively search and reflect on what kind of books I truly like to read. Distinguishing between primary and secondary matters, understanding society and life cannot be increased just by reading a few so-called business manuals. I still need to learn to grasp the main contradictions, have more imagination, a stronger foundation in basic subjects, and more attention and understanding of the present and history, both domestically and globally.
In short, I hope to broaden my horizons, not to stick to one category of reading but to explore widely, not to set limits on myself, and to use my strong divergent thinking to find books, expanding my spiritual world. I will carefully select the next book to read and then focus on reading one book at a time within this temporarily defined boundary, rather than jumping around too much, slowly forming my own reading map, and trying to write about my reading experiences.
1.2 Browsing Fragmented Information with RSS#
My supervisor once jokingly mocked me as being on a 2G network, hoping I wouldn't always immerse myself in my little world but would take in information from various fields and have my own thoughts. This year, I finally made significant changes in my choice of reading sources, constantly trying various methods to break down walls and allow myself to absorb more diverse information, hear more varied voices, and form my own judgments. I read both domestic and foreign media, and I have also explored tools, trying out RSS, setting up my own reader with RSSHub + Inoreader, integrating information sources together.
1.3 Building a Blog#
After doing a lot of research, I built a personal blog on the blockchain and wrote my first blog post “Weekly Report #1 - Art, Curiosity, and Beyond Code”. This is the access address for my xLog blog: hellotangman.xlog.app. The content will include my reading insights, photography works, programming learning, sketches, outdoor hiking, and travel experiences, exploring the cool things I find interesting with curiosity. I hope to meet more friends and spark more ideas by sharing my observations and thoughts through an electronic newsletter.
As I wrote in this article “Why I Write a Blog (Including the Process of Building an Open Source Blog on the Blockchain)”, although the popularity of the internet has made creation and expression much easier than in the print media era, everyone can be a creator. However, the current ecosystem of mobile internet is clearly very poor, with various content platforms competing for traffic, becoming increasingly closed and exclusive.
Algorithms are constantly calculating people's precious attention, and with the rise of short videos, the endless stimulation of a few seconds each, bad content drives out good, leading to an endless stream of eye-catching clickbait. Some platforms even intentionally promote divisive topics to incite emotions for traffic.
Blogs are still a relatively clean space where one can express themselves more freely. Moreover, every word written belongs to oneself rather than the platform; there is freedom in formatting, editing, searching, and hyperlinking.
In my view, hyperlinks represent the fundamental freedom of the internet, and equal access to information is a right that everyone should have. The constant jumping of links while reading blogs is, for me, akin to the pleasure of finding books through other books; it is also a way to continuously break my existing cognition and a good channel for exploring new fields and knowledge.
This year, I picked up the pen again, began to record and share, and looking back at the long articles I wrote with care or the casual notes I jotted down, I feel very warm. Writing long articles is also a practice of the "card note writing method," calming down to integrate some thematically related fragments into a cohesive piece, and sometimes discovering new connections between the cards. For me, this process is already healing enough, bringing me a lot of joy.
02 Drawing#
2.1 Copying Ancient Paintings#
In the year I picked up the brush again, I compiled some of the notes I recorded during the process into this article “Remember the Way You Came, Keep Painting”, selecting some paintings I created over the past few years, including various artifacts from museums, various ancient buildings, exhibitions I attended, various recipes I drew when I first learned to cook, daily interactions with friends, various fans, and cute little figures... it's a small commemoration.
Although I studied science in high school, a minor language in college, and entered the internet industry after graduation, I have never had any connection with painting. But I am very happy that over the years, although intermittently, I am still painting.
After several years, I finally picked up the brush again and started copying ancient paintings with Aqi.
The moments spent immersed in painting bring me a lot of excitement, as I carefully experience the various traces left by the brush on paper with different shades or strengths: dry, wet, withered, solid, thick, thin... The distractions and irritations in my mind seem to disappear; all I need to think about is how to paint the next stroke, focusing on feeling the dryness and richness of the ink, the rhythm of the brushstrokes, and the interplay of space. Such focused and immersive moments are very precious to me.
Painting feels like a world detached from real life, allowing my restless and utilitarian heart to calm down for a moment and providing me with a lot of inner strength. I think these small changes are probably more valuable and rare to me than so-called painting skills or art history.
I really need such relaxing moments, to freely empty my mind outside of the schedule, without a strong sense of purpose, just following my curiosity to wander and stop.
Day after day, working in a fast-paced city, I sometimes feel confused and empty. But when I think about the existence of painting, which brings me so much passion, and the presence of Aqi, a like-minded friend, I still gather my spirits to continue earning money and saving, hoping for more choices in the future, to do what I love more freely, and to realize my small dreams.
2.2 Outdoor Sketching#
I have always wanted to go out and sketch the places I have walked through, but I always felt that my foundation was not solid enough, so I hesitated to put brush to paper, remaining in the stage of copying ancient paintings. In the second half of last year, I finally mustered the courage to try sketching outdoors here, which was an important step for me, and I felt the joy of creation—thinking about how to abstractly express very concrete things, how to arrange priorities, what to highlight, what to omit, where to be solid, and where to be void was a wonderful experience. I was pleasantly surprised to find that many of my past accumulations were called upon.
2.21 Hiking#
Climbing mountains was probably just the right opportunity to be "inspired", temporarily escaping the concrete jungle, opening up my senses to fully experience the wonders of nature, and then sketching them down.
Observing the mountains from various angles is also a way to observe myself from different perspectives. Placing myself in a completely unfamiliar environment, surrounded by challenging forests, and among people who have shed their social attributes, in such moments, who am I? This can almost be seen as an escape from various standards, shedding all kinds of labels, making it easy for me to relax. How do I face this?
In such moments, I also find it easy to let go of some obsessions because it is hard to be "myself" in such scenes. I am almost no longer being gazed at or self-gazing; instead, I let "others" intrude at every moment, whether it is unpredictable road conditions or new people I meet, overwhelming me and impacting the troubles that have lingered in my mind. Perhaps this is an escape, but it gives me more courage to face things. It may not solve the problems, but perhaps it can make them no longer seem like problems, drifting away with the wind in the mountains and rivers.
Maybe it reminds me to live in the present, to let go of grand narratives, and to focus on climbing one mountain after another that I want to climb.
It also makes me realize what my truly relaxed state is like, and how much I have suppressed my true self in many areas in the past, either to meet others' standards and needs or to care for others' feelings, or to satisfy others' expectations. I have given up so much of my own time, energy, and emotions.
2.22 Visiting Ancient Sites#
At the end of autumn, I took photos I liked in the alleys and then painted them. Walking in the temple, watching the morning bells and evening drums, seeing ginkgo leaves bloom in front of ancient buildings, and watching leaves cast shadows on the red walls. I recalled many things from my time studying in Xi'an here, such as the autumn in the Stele Forest, the spring at the Small Wild Goose Pagoda, and how I used to love going to Daxing Shan Temple in Xiaozhai with eastmoon when I was troubled, sitting on the big stone in the yard as if my heart could calm down more.
I find it quite magical that I, someone who loves trying new things, still continue to do some of the things I liked back then. Although I am often busy rushing around, I still feel very happy when I occasionally think back on these memories.
Growth is a long journey back to simplicity, and for me, it is indeed so.
And I still need to go out more, record more, as this will further stimulate my creative desire. I hope to continue exploring the things I love with vitality in the new year.
03 Photography#
Photography is probably also a way to help me refocus my attention back to life, allowing me to immerse myself in observing the finer details of life, chasing a sunset, watching a complete sunset, and remembering the time, layers, and colors of the changing clouds in my heart.
I really enjoy adjusting parameters to restore the scenery before me, presenting different tones, capturing, composing, observing light and shadow, changing angles, and choosing the right moment to press the shutter.
I think this is probably the joy of creation and sharing.
Actually, I initially wanted to buy a camera to encourage myself to go out more and not just stay at home in self-isolation. At 24, I bought an A7M4 with the money I saved after working for over a year. I didn't expect that I would end up liking photography even more than I imagined, or rather, that I would need photography. Photography allows me to remain sensitive to the outside world in some moments, to re-evaluate my already routine life with a fresh perspective, reigniting some curiosity and desire for exploration, and capturing moments in the mundane for nostalgia.
Beyond the daily grind, in the gaps of breathing, there are these wonderful and unforgettable moments in my camera, adding color to my dull working life.
04 Technical Exploration#
4.1 Swift#
I mainly learned by following the YouTube creator ChaoCode. I really like her voice and the rhythm of her teaching; she explains things in detail and comprehensively, which is very suitable for beginners. I also paired it with the official Apple Swift tutorial, The Swift Programming Language.
I wrote my first line of code, wrote "Hello world," and learned how to greet—so happy! ChatGPT is indeed a great assistant for learning; when I encounter problems, I can ask it, and it will patiently answer.
I accidentally discovered on ChaoCode’s personal website that she has created a wonderful collection of resources related to Swift, with serious recommendations attached. I found many super cool iOS developers among them.
4.2 Prompting Techniques#
In @JimmyWang's document learningprompt.wiki, I learned some small tips and frameworks for using and designing prompts, such as:
-
Adding "Let's think step by step" at the end of a question can make the model's output more accurate.
-
Adding a role can give the output a certain style.
-
Few-Shot Prompting allows us to provide the model with some examples, enabling it to return answers that better meet our needs. By showing the large language model a few examples and explaining the reasoning process within those examples, the model will also display its reasoning process when answering prompts.
-
When summarizing information or extracting information, examples can be used to illustrate the desired output format.
The reference articles mentioned in the text are also of very high quality, including some AI-related newsletters, academic papers, course notes, and some related websites or products: Stanford University's lecture notes on Natural Language Processing with Deep Learning web.stanford.edu, Learn Prompting learnprompting.org, and a prompt aggregation site flowgpt.com...
05 Traveling#
Finally, after two years of graduation, I traveled out of Beijing for the first time, visiting Yantai Changdao in spring, Inner Mongolia Xilin Gol in summer, and Inner Mongolia Chifeng in autumn.
The most unforgettable was the trip to Xilin Gol, this is the seventh year since Aqi and I met. We agreed to wear white long dresses and go to the grassland together, and Miaow helped us record it.
We left many beautiful memories on the summer grassland, running against the wind together, setting off fireworks by the bonfire, singing in the off-road vehicle, feeling the fine sand in the desert, photographing the starry sky together, splashing water on each other in kayaks, and buying barbecue in a lively night market, feeling free and unrestrained.
06 Interpersonal Relationships#
6.1 Family#
In middle school, I didn't understand my mother's strict demands on my studies. After graduating from college, I also didn't understand her enthusiasm for wanting me to take the civil service exam. For many years, I believed that my mother's love for me was conditional; it was because I ranked in the top ten in my grade or because I went to a prestigious university that she liked me.
Actually, it is both yes and no; her harshness was just her way of loving me.
I am becoming stronger day by day, while my parents are slowly aging. I find it hard to accept this fact; deep down, I still want to be a greenhouse child who can feel at ease.
When I first graduated, I had many arguments with my family over life choices and other issues. At that time, I desperately wanted economic independence and personal independence. I wanted to make my own choices and walk the path I wanted to take, rather than the one my family expected. Now, after three years of work, I have been sharing my growth with my family. Their attitude has gradually shifted from initial doubt and denial to more understanding and encouragement. Perhaps they have begun to choose to believe in me, to believe that I am no longer just a naive child, to believe that I can rely on my own hands to strive for the life I want, and to believe that I am strong enough to protect them.
Now when I return home, I find that those things I once fought against with all my might may have softened long ago. Having been protected for so many years, I should now grow up quickly to protect the people I want to protect.
6.2 Friendship#
Looking back over the past few years, my friends have not changed much. With old friends behind me, I sometimes suddenly realize that there are still many beautiful things in this world, and I have come a long way. At some crossroads where I hesitated or in valleys where I wanted to give up, they have given me so much encouragement and affirmation, making me feel that I have never been alone in my struggles. Thus, someone like me dares to take step after step, gradually stepping out of my little world, and when picking up a sixpence, I also look up at the sky.
Friends who can bring each other strength truly allow me to be more at ease in being myself. I don't have to become a certain type of person; I just need to be myself calmly.
There is nothing more enjoyable than friendship, and nothing more delightful than conversation with friends.
I was pleasantly surprised that this year I met a few new friends through writing. These scattered, small bits of spiritual encouragement or support are actually very important to me. I used to think I could handle many things alone, but now I also agree with the saying, "A group of people can go further." I, who am used to concentrating most of my time and energy on myself, have gradually learned to reopen my heart, pick up the pen again, and learn to record and share, to express my true self, and even to actively seek like-minded people.
For me, socializing is not just about eating, drinking, and having fun; I want to meet fellow travelers, I want the collision of curiosity, and I want to encounter others who are also exploring the things they love. I came here to meet those who hold a light and see themselves in me. At certain points, we recognize ourselves in each other, sharing a similar level of dissatisfaction with the world. We all have different degrees of flaws and amnesia, but we still haven't given up.
As the setting sun writes in the little newspaper boy: establishing new communities not based on traditional kinship and culture, but on shared interests and ideas, while we can also use new technologies like the internet to achieve this. Of course, to achieve a closer connection between people requires a lot of effort, and I will continue to explore.
6.3 Love#
Another year of being single, haha, my romantic life is still blank. Some views on intimate relationships are written in this article “Antifragility and Creative Love in ‘The Starry Sheep’”.
Nowadays, many things are efficiency-oriented, and people have been infinitely "toolified." From childhood to adulthood, there are too many rules, too many indicators and goals, constantly adapting to fit into a set of evaluation systems that may not be correct, and individuality is gradually worn down in this process.
However, I believe that love should indeed be a rare freedom and relaxation, just as Marx once said, the greatest wealth of a person is free time. I think love is also a very good free time. In this process, one can reveal their truest self, trust each other, give freely, and explore the boundaries of their abilities together.
07 Work#
In the blink of an eye, I have already worked for three years. There have been so many lonely, painful, and confused moments, under the brilliant skyscrapers and in crowded subways. I have asked myself countless times what I really want. Is it to achieve a sense of value? Is it fame and fortune? Is it a house and a car? Maybe none of these? Then what is it?
Is what I am striving for too much of what society has imposed on me? How much of it is my own free will?
I always feel that there should be some other support; I believe there should be more imagination and more possibilities. Moreover, life is long; the gains and losses of this moment, if viewed from the perspective of ten or twenty years, may not matter much.
Life, apart from the various indicators in evaluation systems, is simply about encountering problems and solving them. What I seek is merely the tranquility of opening a book. The experiences along the way, whether gains or setbacks, are just helping me understand myself, society, and the world, bringing me joy inch by inch. What I want is relative, small-scale equality, diversity, inclusiveness, and openness; I want inner self-consistency and freedom.
So how should a person's value be measured? By labels like education, position, and annual salary? Is that the only way? Should it be divided into ranks based on money and status like the mainstream success narrative? Or can there be more different dimensions? Is writing a good poem, buying a car, equally worthy of celebration as making a good bowl of noodles?
The desire for material things and the pursuit of them are endless. So I might as well try to jump out of this so-called evaluation system and seriously do every trivial task well, climb one mountain after another that I like, and paint one picture after another that I love. I hope I can continue to bravely explore in my open world, adapting to challenges, carrying curiosity and a desire for exploration, and continuing to break through.
Through continuous reading and practice, I find that I am not alone because the various dilemmas I face have been faced by countless others. The small-town test-taker who left home for the big city inevitably faces various adaptations. The collapse of the old world, the clash of old and new ideas, being questioned time and again, and the struggle of repeatedly fighting back. In fact, looking at the world, many countries' urbanization processes may have some similarities.
There is so much I want to say about work, but I don't know where to start. So I'll conclude with this excerpt from "Silent Workers":
Work is not just a position; it also influences how one views oneself, with whom one can interact, and where one can walk at what times.
Accompanying the "high-efficiency" work forms framed by capitalism is the mechanization of labor—being simplified to labor values or labor power rather than a person, being cut and purified into a purely isolated work unit for the sake of "efficiency."
Does work for an individual merely mean earning a paycheck? The freedom granted by neoliberalism, whose freedom is it really?
Perhaps as I grow older, after stepping out of the Peach Blossom Spring, I have gained a deeper understanding of the difficulties of the world. I no longer possess the lofty detachment I had a few years ago, nor the fearless bravado of a newborn calf. Instead, I have more concerns. After repeated anxieties, I realize that many problems may be unsolvable at present. So I will continue to carry my questions forward, living each day well, learning skills, reading and writing well, and working hard to earn money.
If I continue to grow stronger, perhaps the various problems that trouble me now will find solutions in the future.
And those people and matters I care about are what I cannot let go of, and they prevent me from giving up my existence.