Y:
I'm very happy to be remembered by old friends. When I was half asleep and half awake, I saw a long and warm letter. Many parts of the letter resonated with me. You still understand me like you did before. Many of the worries you mentioned, I have also experienced or been tormented and shattered by them.
I was surprised to see that you used the word "admiration" for me. Hahaha, I'm really flattered and feel a kind of happiness being affirmed by a good friend. There have been too many voices of doubt and denial along this journey, and support has been scarce.
In the blink of an eye, it has been three years since I came to Beijing, and I have been interning and working for three years. There have been many moments of loneliness, pain, and confusion. Under the splendid high-rise buildings, in the crowded subway, I have questioned myself countless times, what is it that I want? Is it to achieve a sense of value? Is it fame and fortune? Is it a house and a car? Is it stability and smoothness? Maybe none of these? Then what is it?
Are many of the things we strive for imposed on us by society and ideology? How much of it is our own free will?
For me, life should be more about experiences. I think the pursuit of life should not be limited to material things, marriage, and childbirth. It's not that I think these things are unimportant, or that I have become indifferent to them, but I always feel that there should be something else to rely on. I think there should be more imagination, more possibilities. As the popular saying goes, life is not a track, it is a wilderness. Moreover, life is long, and if we look at the gains and losses of this moment from a ten-year or twenty-year perspective, they may not mean much.
Life, apart from various evaluation systems, is just about encountering problems and solving them. What I seek is just that moment of tranquility when I open a book. And the various experiences in the process, whether it is gains or setbacks, help me understand myself, understand society, understand the world, and bring joy with every inch of progress. What I want is relative, small-scale equality, diversity, inclusiveness, and openness. What I want is inner harmony and freedom. I really want to be a free and soaring bird.
So how should a person's value be measured? Is it by education, position, salary, and other labels? Is it the only way? Is it like the mainstream narrative that divides people into three, six, or nine categories based on money and status? Or is there room for more dimensions? Is writing a good poem as worthy of celebration as making a good bowl of noodles or buying a car?
The desire for material things and the pursuit of them are endless. So I might as well try to break free from this so-called evaluation system and seriously climb the mountains I like, paint the paintings I like. I hope I can continue to explore bravely in my open world, face challenges with curiosity and a desire to explore.
It seems that I have passed the stage of desperately trying to prove something to others and to myself. I almost no longer attempt to seek recognition from others, nor do I expect to receive any flowers, applause, or praise. It's not that I don't care about these things anymore, but I know very clearly that the path I want to take is destined to be full of struggles and misunderstandings. So I might as well take it lightly. As long as I know what I am doing, I will follow my heart.
Through continuous reading and practice, I have found that I am not alone. Because the various difficulties I face have been faced by thousands of people before, or they are currently facing them. I am not alone, and I am not particularly special. A girl who used to be obedient and liked by teachers in a small town, coming to the big city, must face various discomforts, the collapse of the old world, the collision of old and new ideas, and repeated questioning and struggles. And in fact, if we look at the world, the urbanization process in many countries may have many similarities.
I refuse to be defined, I detest being compared, and I am even more tired of various evaluation systems. I can't stand this feudal society full of unequal rights, and I can't stand the tangible and intangible exploitation and oppression imposed by various systems. I also dislike the ubiquitous pursuit of strength and fear of weakness, and I feel helpless about the closure of various information and technologies... Who would have thought that the obedient girl who was liked by teachers when she was young would start to rebel in her twenties, start to question various authorities, start to distrust everything, start to lose faith, and start to rebuild her inner world. Constantly being challenged, constantly collapsing, constantly being shattered, and then slowly putting the broken pieces back together with tears, denying the denial. That's probably a portrayal of me in the past year or two.
And it is because of old friends like you behind me, constantly giving me strength, letting me know that you are always there, that I suddenly realize that there are still many beautiful things in this world, and I have come a long way. Don't give up, keep moving forward, even if there is not much feedback and support, it doesn't mean I should deny myself. This is also a bit of certainty in the void, allowing me to become more courageous in the face of setbacks, with inexhaustible courage. Remember the road I came from, remember the innocent and carefree little girl I was at eight years old. Even if I will eventually be assimilated by the world flooded with material desires, I hope I can delay that day as much as possible and protect the child in my heart.
With you by my side, I am never alone. I have your support, your understanding, and your knowledge. You are the heroes and dreams in my weary life. Like my armor, it is enough to fight against the void and bring me infinite warmth and motivation.
It makes me feel at ease, trustful, and relaxed, no matter how the world changes. This is my certainty.
Remember the road we came from, cherish the present moment. I hope we can all follow our hearts, realize our dreams, and live the lives we want.
[Zhenxia2023.10.7]{.right}