Over the years, although intermittently, I am still painting#
Although I studied science in high school, a minor language in college, and entered the internet industry after graduation, I have never had a relationship with painting. However, I am very happy that over the years, intermittently, I am still painting.
I flipped through various drawings from high school to college in my album, including various artifacts from museums, various ancient buildings, illustrations from ancient books, my daily outfits, various recipes I drew when I first learned to cook, daily entries in my planner, various fans, flowers and plants, and landscapes with people...
However, for various reasons, I hadn’t painted for two or three years. Fortunately, last summer, I finally picked up the brush again and started copying ancient paintings with Aqi. I began practicing the basics of trees, leaves, mountains, and stones, starting from the "Mustard Seed Garden Painting Manual" to "Lu Kunfeng's Orchid Bamboo Manual," from Shen Zhou, Wen Zhengming to Shi Tao, Hong Ren, from Chen Chun, Zhou Zhimian to Yun Shouping, Xu Wei, from not being able to paint a tree smoothly to daring to attempt a three-meter-long scroll.
I made many attempts that I had never dared to do before, whether in subject matter or style, and I felt my vision and perspective continually expanding. I realized that I should not easily limit my abilities. Many things that I once feared or resisted, after gaining a deeper understanding, may become incredibly wonderful.
For example, the relatively complex Song paintings were something I would never have attempted before. I always thought my impatient nature suited painting in a freehand style, with just a few strokes, not seeking likeness but spirit. If I encountered something I lacked patience for, I would just blur it over carelessly. Unexpectedly, while painting Ma Yuan's "Leisurely Singing Under the Pine," once I got into the zone, I suddenly found joy in painting those intricate pine needles and bamboo leaves, layer upon layer of color, going from deep to shallow, from small to large. The process was very healing; once I found the rhythm, I not only didn’t feel tortured but rather felt very exhilarated. My understanding of myself also updated; it turned out that even a person as impatient as I could calm down.
Although I had previously made many attempts at various types of painting within my comfort zone, I now realize that I unconsciously set many constraints on myself.
This belief can probably also be applied to work and life, giving me more courage and perseverance to explore the boundaries of my potential.
In painting, following curiosity, I walk and stop#
In this moment immersed in painting, the distractions and irritations in my heart seem to have disappeared. All I need to think about is how to paint the next stroke, focusing on feeling the dryness and richness of the ink, the rhythm of the brushstrokes, and the interplay of space. Such focused and immersive moments are very precious to me.
I really enjoy the joy and satisfaction that painting brings from the bottom of my heart. I feel that painting is like a world detached from reality, allowing me to calm my restless and utilitarian heart for a moment and providing me with a lot of inner strength.
Growing up in a suppressive educational environment, I really need such positive feedback, rather than always thinking of proving something in a confrontational or pleasing manner.
I love these relaxed moments, this kind of spontaneous emptiness outside the schedule, without a strong sense of purpose, just following curiosity to walk and stop. In such moments, it seems that I have the courage to not fear the future and not dwell on the past.
In this moment detached from reality, I am free#
I quite like these two sentences from Ni Zan: "What I call a painter is merely a casual brush, not seeking likeness, just for self-entertainment." Using the brush casually, it appears innocent; using the brush vigorously is to grasp the method... One must not seek precision, for precision brings about a mechanical spirit.
My original intention of learning to paint is probably similar. When I picked up the brush again last year, I didn’t have many utilitarian goals; I wasn’t too concerned about the results. More so, it was to rescue myself, who was on the verge of collapse due to work stress, as if grasping a lifeline.
I didn’t care much about whether the copies looked alike, so I had a very relaxed mindset, without much psychological burden. I didn’t impose too many constraints and limitations on myself, seemingly temporarily putting aside the "perfectionism" of a Libra that nitpicks and feels constrained, and I became much more forgiving of myself. I no longer tried to fit myself into a mold, nor did I overanalyze myself. Instead, I became bolder in putting brush to paper and trying new things, with low expectations, which led to many surprises along the way.
No matter how the painting turns out, I tell myself that this is my uniqueness, my style. In painting, there is no performance, and there is no right or wrong. This repeated positive feedback has also softened the edges of my always "black and white" dualism, making me more inclusive and diverse, no longer always judging myself with a so-called standard, or even unconsciously disciplining myself.
Such a relaxed state is actually not common for me. In my life and work, I often have a strong sense of purpose, too eager for quick results, too restless, too focused on so-called efficiency, and too calculating about gains and losses, even anxious about what I might lose. I think these small changes are probably more precious and rare to me than so-called painting skills or art history.
So in this moment of painting, temporarily detached from reality, I am free. I think this mindset can gradually be tried to transfer to life and work, allowing me to see others, let go of myself, and become more open-minded.
Painting is also something that can strip away many labels from me. I no longer have to be compared within any evaluation system. When I pick up the brush, I am just me. In such moments, I am no longer a graduate of a certain school or major, nor am I an employee of a certain company. I don’t have to care about others' needs and thoughts; I can express myself freely. It has a sense of returning to simplicity, forgetting the various disturbances of real life, just like Lu You's line, "The seagull and I forget our machines."
Keep painting, paint more of what I want to paint#
Day after day, working in a fast-paced city, sometimes I feel confused and empty. However, thinking about painting, something that brings me so much passion, and having friends like Aqi who share the same interests, I still gather my spirits to continue earning money and saving, hoping for more choices in the future, to do what I love more freely, and to realize my little dreams. I think there is nothing more worthwhile than investing in my dreams.
In the winter of the year before last, I went to the CITIC bookstore to listen to Yushan talk about his painting journey, listening to how he draws inspiration from ancient paintings, how he uses his brush to record those constantly disappearing scenes, and how he travels through mountains and lakes, then incorporates them into his paintings. The happiest moment was when I asked him to write "Wild Grass in the Fields" on the back cover of the book.
Perhaps inspired by Yushan at that time, I actually started copying ancient paintings last year, began learning art history, and started hiking. Looking back now, I feel that I should really thank that time I took three transfers on the subway to run from the suburbs to the city to attend that lecture.
May I still remember the path I took and continue painting, painting more of what I want to paint.
Thinking of this, I feel empowered.
Finally, I selected some paintings I have done in the past#
Fans#
These two fans were painted in my first year of work, as gifts for friends who love books. I was actually very nervous while painting, even a bit trembling, but fortunately, I received very positive feedback from both friends, which made me happy for a while:
“The fan drawn by hand has significant commemorative meaning, and the ink's imprint through the paper is truly lovely.”
“When I opened the box, I was almost stunned. Small and exquisite, understated yet poetic, silently fragrant, very impressive!”
Books#
This is a set of works that I quite like. The drawing of the little person and the book is inspired by Yushan's brushwork. In the second piece, the poetry is a copy I made using a beautiful brush of the "Book of Songs" from the Qing Daoguang period. I found this ancient book on a website called Shuge, where many exquisite ancient books can be read for free. I really like this introduction on the homepage of the website:
Shuge is a free and open online library of ancient books, dedicated to sharing, introducing, and recommending valuable ancient texts and artworks, and encouraging the digitization and archiving of cultural and artistic works. Through this plan, we hope everyone can freely and freely appreciate those hard-to-find books and artworks, and feel the progress of human civilization.
The third piece was painted after I visited the Beijing Book Fair in Chaoyang Park in 2021. I accidentally saw an ancient book "Peach Blossom Fan" at a stall on Kongfuzi's Old Book Network and thought it was beautiful. However, the price was too high, so I took a photo and went home to paint it. "Peach Blossom Fan" is also a work I really like, especially unforgettable is the scene where Li Xiangjun stains the peach blossom fan with blood, just as Cao Xueqin wrote in "Dream of the Red Chamber":
If born into a noble and wealthy family, one would be a lovesick fool; if born into a family of scholars in poverty, one would be an elegant recluse; even if born into a lowly family, one cannot be a mere servant, willingly subjected to the control of commoners, but must be a remarkable figure. Just like the past figures such as Xu You, Tao Qian, Ruan Ji, Ji Kang, Liu Ling, the Wang and Xie families, Gu Hutou, Chen Houzhu, Tang Minghuang, Song Huizong, Liu Tingzhi, Wen Feiqing, Mi Nangong, Shi Manqing, Liu Qiqing, Qin Shaoyou, and more recent figures like Ni Yunlin, Tang Bohu, Zhu Zhishan, and even Li Guinian, Huang Banchuo, Jing Xinmo, Zhuo Wenjun, Hong Fu, Xue Tao, Cui Ying, and Zhao Yun, they are all people who would be the same in different circumstances.
Architecture#
In college, I copied some ancient buildings from the "Mustard Seed Garden Painting Manual." Since I studied in Xi'an, I occasionally visited ancient sites. When I encountered ancient buildings I liked, I would paint them.
After starting work in Beijing, the cultural resources here are quite rich. The most impressive exhibition I attended was the "Pillars - The 120th Anniversary of Liang Sicheng's Birth" at Tsinghua University Art Museum. After the exhibition, I listened to a podcast discussion between curator Wang Nan and Liu Liu from Reading Library, and I also watched a documentary about Liang Lin. Not only did I gain a deeper understanding of the "Pillars" exhibition, but I also gained new insights into Liang Sicheng's research in architectural history.
Liang Sicheng did not limit himself to being an architect. What he wanted to do was to protect cultural heritage, to pass on Chinese culture, to organize national history, and to recreate civilization. Many places mentioned in that podcast are ones I will definitely visit and paint in the future, such as the Song Dynasty wooden structures in Zhengding, the Guanyin Pavilion in Dule Temple in Tianjin, and the Foguang Temple in Wutai Mountain...
Then I read Liang Zaibing's memoir "Liang Sicheng and Lin Huiyin." What moved me the most in this book was the time Liang Sicheng and Lin Huiyin spent in Lizhuang. Regardless of how difficult life was, their spirit always stood proud and never faded. Even in such a hopeless era of war, they still steadfastly pursued their love for architecture. They saw themselves as warriors defending culture, and regardless of how poor they were or what hardships they endured, they did so without regret and without hesitation.
After that, I began reading books related to architecture and urban planning, such as Wang Jun's "City Records," Liang Sicheng's "A Pictorial History of Chinese Architecture," Liu Dunzhen's "Classical Gardens of Suzhou," and Lu Ming's "Great Nation, Great City" and "Centripetal Cities." Although the reading process was not systematic and I didn’t seek deep understanding, I still quite enjoyed this spontaneous and non-utilitarian reading.
Exhibitions#
In college, I volunteered at the Shaanxi History Museum and the Xi'an Stele Forest Museum. It was probably from that time that I became interested in cultural heritage. I still remember the joy I felt the first time I saw an exhibit I liked at the Shaanxi Museum, even though each trip there took nearly three hours. During a nearly semester-long assessment, I would almost every week take bus 616 to the museum, staying from opening to closing, practicing in front of the artifacts over and over again.
After graduation, I chose to come to Beijing, partly because I felt the cultural and artistic atmosphere here would be richer. In the past two years, I have seen many unforgettable exhibitions and ancient buildings, and I used the money I saved in my first year of work to buy a camera. I feel very satisfied when I capture artifacts I like. And perhaps even better than these is the friends I have met through this hobby of cultural heritage.
Cultural Relics#
I quite like this passage written by Wang Zengqi about Shen Congwen in "The Grass and Trees of the Human World": "What he sees in these crafts is the creativity of the laborers. His amazement at these beautiful shapes, incredible colors, and wonderfully exquisite techniques is an amazement at humanity. What he loves is not the objects, but the people; his childlike innocence and passion for a craft piece is touching."
Characters#
When I was in elementary school, I particularly liked a magazine called "Children's Literature," where there were several illustrators I admired. I would repeatedly look at their hand-drawn illustrations for literary works. In middle school, I became fond of reading comics like "Heart of Painting," and I began to find and copy comics from magazines or comic books. That should be considered my earliest conscious enlightenment and exploration in drawing. Later, I attended a Chinese painting interest class, and looking back, it was quite accidental that I have come this far.
Later, when I started working, I often searched for beautiful book covers or illustrations on Kong Network and even created a topic in my notes for related content. I also have a note topic category called "Stationery," where I stored many planners and related stationery that I thought were nice.
It feels like a response to those little hobbies from my childhood. Although I couldn't realize them at that time, I feel there is still a chance in the future, step by step, to continue painting. I still yearn for that kind of experience of walking and painting, carrying a small stool, a scientific brush, and portable watercolor pens, with my planner that I can easily take out and draw from my pocket, sitting there sketching the scenery and people I encounter. I look forward to walking further along the path of painting and painting more of what I want to paint.
Recipes#
After starting work, I began to try cooking and would record recipes with my brush. Just as Fuxia said in "Shark Fin and Peppercorn": "Food is a very safe enjoyment; people can relax in it without fear, finding freedom and comfort within." Constantly trying to find familiar tastes or memories in food is probably a bit of comfort in a drifting life.
For me, this is also the charm of food, allowing me to not become numb so quickly in this fast-paced life, and to cross back to the past in moments of respite. Remembering the path I took also makes me cherish everything at present. The journey has not been easy, and the curious, passionate, optimistic, and brave little girl who was once curious about life and nature should not be forgotten.
In a big city with a fast pace, people inevitably become increasingly atomized due to the repetitive daily life, and assembly line work makes people more standardized and tool-like, becoming more like "screws." This mode can easily be unconsciously brought into daily life. For a long time, I was like this, even calculating time down to the minute, making it very necessary to have a "casual" way to relax like cooking.
Just like before New Year's, I was always advised to tell me that photographing sunsets is serious business, to eat well, and to update the "Little Vegetable Recipe." Yet I always took it as a passing breeze, still self-pitying, constantly trying to fit myself into a mold, denying my past self on the path of rushing forward—looking at myself with the so-called pragmatic or utilitarian perspective, too "romantic," "detached from reality," and "idealistic."
Just like the song in "You Were Once a Young Man": "Sometimes you reminisce about the past, but when innocence leaves, you didn’t say a word; you just waved your hand, like throwing away a piece of waste paper."
I realized belatedly that food is not only a sensory enjoyment but also an important carrier for storing beautiful memories. These familiar tastes can wash away my irritability and restlessness, allowing me to unconsciously relax, slow down, and savor the deliciousness of the moment. It also makes me suddenly aware that while there are countless difficulties and challenges in life, there are also many beautiful things, and I must not lose sight of the essence.
No matter how busy, eat well.
Daily Life#
I use my brush to record some daily interactions with friends. Regarding friendship, I think it is like what L once said to me: “I think one important and precious aspect of friendship is witnessing and remembering the past you. So even if one day you forget your past self, I will help you remember. I believe that even if the past you has died, it still lives on in the hearts of friends. Therefore, I also want to remember how friends were back then, allowing the past them to safely reside in my heart; that is the meaning of friendship.”
I am indeed very fortunate to have friends who remember the past me. Thanks to you, I can continue painting.
At some crossroads where I hesitated or in valleys where I wanted to give up, my friends brought me so much encouragement and affirmation, making me feel that I was never fighting alone. Thus, someone like me dares to take step after step, gradually stepping out of my little world, and when picking up a sixpence, I also look up at the sky.
The environment is unpredictable, and this is probably a bit of certainty in this uncertain life.